Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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