Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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