Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
