OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
