my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
