fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
