help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
