CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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