i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
