I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
