I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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