His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
