You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
