what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
