So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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