I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
