Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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