Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize