So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
