wrigley field is MILF paradise
Your dad touched me again.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
