Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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