omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
