is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
