I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
