it hurts more in the daytime
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize