you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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