i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
