so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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