I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
