i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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