I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize