I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
