No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
