If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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