On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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