Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
