a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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