Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A+ Viking dick
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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