She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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