it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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