Where did you get a picture of my penis
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
