I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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