nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
