My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
