shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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