i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
