just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
