I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
