they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
