my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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