Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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