it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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