I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
