life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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