I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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