Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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