You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
