he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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