you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
