the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize